Tag Archives: new beginnings

onward march…

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(close up of a new hand bound journal cover I am in the process of making)

Another year begins. It never ceases to amaze me how life moves along and the unexpected always happens (and somehow surprises me, because I expect things to remain constant despite knowing full well that they never are).

I begin the year with the knowledge that how things flow is largely dependent upon my own actions.

Some observations:

  • I become disconnected from myself when I neglect my urge to create.
  • Working with colour gives me joy and feeds me in a way that only it can.
  • Meditation is not an option but a requisite.
  • Discipline is the only path to accomplishment.
  • Bliss is to be found everywhere, all the time.
  • Shiva Paintstiks will rub off on your keyboard if you don’t wash your hands before typing.
  • Ideas are like popcorn kernels; store them in a jar until you are ready to make them pop.
  • Community, whether real or virtual, feeds the soul just as well as solitude; both are necessary to thrive.

Giving thanks to Effy Wild who went live on Ustream today and inspired me to create a new journal.

To a joyous, blissful, productive and enlightened new year.

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on being vulnerable and open

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Blogging has once again slowed to a crawl. Between fits of writing (both poetry and prose) and shooting the odd photo when I am awed by my surroundings, I also fulfill other functions: single-parent mothering, full time office working, part time (and very novice) yogining, friend being (to many, far and wide, and close), and occasional knitting. (That Hogwartz/Gryffindor scarf is creeping along slowly.) And soon to be (officially) a divorcée. Weird, this final severing. Such a huge chunk of my life tied in to this now defunct part of who I was and identified with, still searching to pick up the threads of where “I” left off and veered off from so long ago, in order to reclaim myself.

My ex-husband has been in a relationship with someone for quite some time now, and yet I continue to be alone in my life. Not because I don’t wish to share it with another, but because I wish to share it with the right person, and we just haven’t met yet. I also continue to nurse past hurts; it is surprising to me how long they take to heal. I wonder, sometimes, if they heal better when you let them show and share them with others, allowing them to be loved away. Still, I can’t seem to do that yet, even though I long to be able to do so, to be able to open my heart again to another.

I am happy, though, in this simplicity. Each time I look around me I appreciate what I have, the beauty that I see, in nature and in those whose lives cross with mine. I see kindness and humour and fearless vulnerability. And love. I am blessed.

Momentous moments…


There are moments in history that are looked back upon in retrospect and considered to be cornerstones in the history of humanity. Other times the significance is tacitly obvious even as the moment transpires. Today I witnessed a most amazing event. I witnessed a re-infusion of hope, resolve and courage… of pulling together in unity… of a people that had somehow lost their footing along the path of their journey, and needed to be reminded of the journey’s purpose and led back onto the path. I have a renewed hope for the United States, and by corollary, the rest of the world as a whole. Welcome, Barack Hussein Obama. Godspeed!

Tangents… and the journey to my essential self…

So much has changed in such little time, in my little insignificant life… and yet here I am, at the cresting of this new year (and also an approaching birthday) and find that the path that I’d been walking on has summarily disappeared… my marriage is dissolving… I have been fired from my (deplorably boring, yet vexing) job… and I am at a crossroads… a place where I can hopefully reinvent my life in such a way as to be pleasing to myself, but also in alignment with the larger-than-myself task I feel I’ve come here to accomplish.

Oftentimes I feel like I’ve squandered precious time, meandering through what seems like endless tangents on my way to some mysterious, inscrutable place, and yet that is the beauty of it, I think. Every moment that I have lived and experienced has only been wasted if I did not take notice of it, and revere it for what it was. Gathering up pieces of myself, and leaving some behind, as I trudge onward in my journey, I can say that each moment has brought me closer to the essence of who I am… the essential me… and whether arms opened to receive me, or by others was pushed away, each has given me a greater understanding of my Self. And for that I am grateful.

Beginnings and secrets…

Vyasa: There’s something secret about beginning. I don’t know how to start.

Ganesha: As you claim to be the author of the poem, how about beginning with yourself?

– Jean-Claude Carriere, The Mahabharata: A Play Based Upon the Indian Classic Epic, trans. Peter Brook, (New York: Harper & Row, 1987)

Shake ups are good… I’m finding that when stuff is really not feeling right, it’s the best remedy, and more welcome than rued… at least at this point in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever welcomed change as much as I do now. I feel like one of those crazy base jumpers, fearlessly launching myself off of the top of a cliff (woo-hoo!!!) while yet another part of me stares slack-jawed at my falling form, awestruck at my courage and yet quietly confident that after the exhilarating adrenaline rush, my feet will gently touch down onto the earth once again, unscathed and radiant in my afterglow.

Trust… trusting in self is something that is an acquired… trait. It certainly doesn’t come naturally to me, especially when for much of my young life it was something that was systematically dismantled by anyone whose grasp I fell into.  Conditioned to be a sheep when really I just wanted to be a wolf and howl at the moon… or something.  Mostly I’d complacently follow along until I’d just had it with the being pushed around thing, and revolted in less-than-subtle (and not always constructive) ways.  It is a long and arduous journey toward our authentic self, and sometimes even the concept of authenticity of the self becomes the allure. I can usually tell that I’m on the right track by how my body feels… is there a knot in the pit of my stomach or not? Am I basking in the flow of sheer pleasure or am I chewing the skin off of the surface of my lips (I’d been asked once… “Why are you eating yourself?”). It seems self-cannibalism occurs when I am not on the right track.

So… on secrets and beginnings (which effectively also implies an ending), I have some projects in the works that I am excited about. Some of them involve Creativity Coaching (and creative resources) while others involve creative endeavors, one of which is a story that I’ve had brewing for quite some time, which I am once again ready to turn my attention to. I hope you will be complicit to their unfolding.

New hair… new me…

I got my hair done beginning of December… cut and recolored… feels good to take better care of myself, though the jury is still out on the make up… looks great when I do it, but it’s still too much of a pain in the ass to do it with any regularity.

Food… glorious food… I have been fasting/cleansing for months now… I’ve divested myself of some weight, but every once in a while (like at Christmas and again tonight), I go off the wagon and eat and drink things that aren’t allowed… not so much the dinner, which consisted of cedar-wrapped (and oven baked) salmon fillets, garlic and wasabi mashed yukon gold potatoes and wilted garlic-y soy-sauce-y spinach, but definitely the dessert… flourless chocolate cake dolloped with raspberry whipped cream. Okay… so the cake was store-bought, but the rest was prepared by me. Simple dish, really, but really good (and healthy enough). 🙂

Trying to hold up ’til midnight but I just might have to throw in the towel… even though I have a bottle of Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘Sofia’ tantalizingly chilling in the fridge…

I’m ready for 2009… are you? Tomorrow I’m sitting down and figuring out exactly what it is that I want to do next year.

Wishing you all plentiful New Year’s blessings!