Tag Archives: coaching

Not-so-MORNING PAGES

Less than a half hour away from my final creativity group coaching session with Jill – at least for the time being.

I haven’t written since Friday. I guess I took the weekend off, and now it’s Tuesday and I’m lagging. The story gnaws at me, pulling at my edges while I continue to fumble my way through it. It is never far from my thoughts, but no words have come through yet.

I’ve been great with distracting myself. I spent the morning listening to Eminem and Pink on my iTunes, sifting through emails and multiple cups of coffee… I suppose I will graduate to a cup of tea – to be made before the call begins. That, and void my bladder.  (Yes, TMI.)

I’m still dispirited. I don’t really know what ails me. It’s back to gray and rainy again, though the last week has been quite bright and sunny and I haven’t gone outside since my birthday (or maybe it was the day after… but it’s been at least a week since I’ve presented myself to the world, fully dressed).

This morning I am doing the no-pants dance (literally… you should have seen me grooving in the kitchen while I was waiting for water to boil and my toast to brown), sitting in my t-shirt and striped underwear as I type this out. Eventually I’ll shower and dress – Rob Brezsny said that I should make my hair and face as shiny as can be… my best self. I’m sure he doesn’t mean the kind of shiny my hair is, in its current state (which is just greasy from skipping a day or two of shampooing). Damn overactive sebum glands. It keeps me young looking but more slick than I’d like.

I have been thinking that I really miss having a relationship. I miss the complicity. I miss the bodily contact, the comfortable familiarity of colliding atoms with another person, in good (at times pleasurable) ways. I miss another’s touch on my body – the tentative exploration, seeking visceral knowledge of pleasure and connection. The tangible feel of affection and love as it flows out of a hand.

I miss it but not enough to do anything about it.

So by virtue of these distracting thoughts, I’ve been struggling with writing on the story this morning (what else is new?). You’d think that desire fades with time, but it’s not true; not yet, anyway. I suppose fifty is still too young for it not to still be alive and well.

I “found” an old boyfriend on Facebook the other day. The mind is always curious about what has become of people we have known but not seen in a long while. He was my first mad love. We were crazy about each other, and also just plain crazy.

We didn’t know who we were, or how to be, and certainly we weren’t in a healthy relationship (because we didn’t even know what that looked like), but man, were we ever in love. At least I was. I think he was too. It seems so long ago… thirty years. We’ve both been married and divorced. He has been in another long term relationship with someone and is afraid to accept my friend request because it may make her jealous. So still, perhaps, not so healthy, relationship-wise.

Jealousy. What an interesting emotion it is; so detrimental, and yet so prevalent – and consuming. Thinking that permanent possession of something or someone is possible, and fearing its loss – the lesson of impermanence not yet gleaned. Nor the understanding that even when people stay together, things change and evolve – and different doesn’t necessarily mean bad.

Jealousy rears itself on its hind quarters like a spooked horse when one feels insecure in oneself or a relationship (or a situation). It takes gentle self-compassion (and for the other person likewise to show compassionate awareness) to move past it. Of being truthful, kind and transparent… and that level of exposure is fearsome and hard.

Life is too short to be spending it on not wearing yourself on your sleeve, though. Not doing so robs everyone of your best self, including you.

Transparency is important, I think. I learned that the hard way, over many relationships and many years of trial and error.

My last one was the hardest. It stretched me further than I had ever stretched before; it made me grow in ways I didn’t think I had to grow or didn’t know that I wanted to. It was at once one of the most intense and most terrifying relationships that I’d ever had.

It still saddens me that the experience wasn’t a reciprocal one – that the power of it was diminished because we weren’t equally open and present to each other. It taught me a lot about releasing expectation and what the meaning of responsibility was in the context of a relationship. It also taught me to be mindful of my instincts – my body knew what was happening even before things became known – the body knows; trust the body. It also taught me to trust my worth. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.

I think that the only way to evolve in this world is through relationship – to enjoy the process while growing in awareness. It is like walking in two worlds, really, one foot in the sacred, and one foot in the profane.

I miss it but not enough to do anything about it.

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Sisters of the Soul – Completion

I’ve been tired… so tired. Working like mad at the office, but I finally feel like I’m climbing back out of my slump. A temp started this week and has begun to help with the backlog that I haven’t been able to attend to myself because there is so much other, more pressing, work to do.

I’ve finally completed my last contribution in the Sisters of the Soul round robin project… a piece in Bev Martini’s box of canvas sheets (above). The focal point is a portrait of my sister that I drew, imported into Photoshop, manipulated and printed out, transferred onto the canvas, which I then painted with acrylic paint.

I’ve been working at a snail’s pace… in fact, I’m amazed that I’m producing anything at all. I feel so flat! There is hope yet though…

During my last couple of visits to the book store, I picked up more books (tell me this does NOT surprise you!) and have begun reading One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer, which is part of Jill Badonsky’s (author of Nine Modern Day Muses (and a Bodyguard)) curriculum for Kaisen-Muse Creativity Coaching training which I’ll be starting at the end of this month. This I am very much excited about. In fact, I have no doubt that I’ll be my own best (first) customer.

Another couple of things I’m looking forward to this upcoming week:

  • Attending Sidley’s Annual Museum Event – Dali: Painting & Film at LACMA
  • Getting more work done on the forget-me-not tattoo on my left wrist
  • I’m also in the throes of working on my Gothica collaboration project, having finally received the last of the contributions mid-week last week. I am tripod equipped and will start shooting the pieces, since they’ve overrun my living quarters and it is time to move them out. What I flub we’ll re-shoot this week with the master photographer of the household (not me), but at least I’ll be able to get started on laying out the book in InDesign.

    Last night Gabriel and I stopped off at South Coast where I made my habitual stop at the Paper Source but on my way there I was drawn in by the spooky candle displays at Illuminations, where I purchased a table runner and a ghostly candle (which is a hoot! …it flashes different colors as it burns… what will they come up with next?!). I think hallowe’en has got to be one of my favorite celebrations, right up there with yule.

    Oh, and speaking of baby steps… I’ve been slowly straightening out my stuff, de-cluttering… I’ve almost reached a point where I can potentially use the surface of my workbench with a few more organizational cullings.

    People often tell me “I don’t know how you have time to do everything that you do.” Well, quite frankly, I don’t… have time, that is. It’s the case of the small blanket for a large bed. I tug on one end and cover here, but it leaves the other part bare. That is how I manage to do what I do. I have to pick and chose what I spend my time on, and since I can’t do everything, I do what I can. So, it appears like I’m productive, but really, I’m just masterful at doing little bits of everything, here and there. What do they call it… multi-tasking?

    It rained last night… I know, it would seem to be a non-event but in Southern California it’s quite the novelty. Which is why I live here.