I was out and about, walking the neighbourhood on this semi-sunny winter’s day. I’ll take a break from the rain where/whenever I can get it.
Home now – early afternoon and it feels like late afternoon, what with the “golden hour” glow. The days may be lengthening but it still feels like awfully short days.
There was a huge bear of a husky type dog parked out in front of Starbucks, and I couldn’t help myself – we visited. It’s ears and head were soft and smooth, while the rest was wiry and downright huggable. I’m glad it allowed me to spend some companionable time with it.
I’m getting ready to journal. I lit some white sage and waved it around the place, brewed myself a cup of coffee and I’m ready to start on some pages – or at least the first.
I’ve started with a quote from Thoreau (“There is no beginning too small.”), provided by Lisa Sonora Beam as the first of her free 30 Day Journaling Project. I have also sketched the three runes that I pulled the other day (kenaz, dagaz, nauthiz), as I contemplated this new year from its crest.
I’m feeling contemplative and feel the need to – well – contemplate. I’ve been out of touch with myself for a while. I need to reconnect.
I paid my rent. I picked up a bit of food.
It strikes me that I seem to appreciate things more when I have to consider (very carefully) where my money goes and what it is spent on. Like buying a mango-orange (because I’ve never had one before) and then cutting it up and savouring it, slice-by-slice, because I had to pull from the little I have to purchase it. I had to choose it in favour of something else. It’s sad that I must always be at the end of financial fluidity to grasp this… preciousness. Somehow, when abundance flows, the magnitude of my appreciation diminishes. I know that is my issue (perhaps not just mine but the world’s in general).
When I have, I seem to become desensitized and less grateful, or want else and more. When I yearn, I feel like I am missing out. But here, in this place of barely having but HAVING, there is the sense of fleeting and immense gratitude. Things taste better; feel stronger.
Again… if only I could hold this space when I am not so desperate, when abundance flows and I am still fully aware of the gifts, every single one.
Perhaps my chosen word for the year : FOCUS : will help me with this. Because focus connotes so much more than it’s meaning at face value and is applicable to much, from choosing projects, then working on them in a concentrated manner, to figuring out what I can contribute to the world and make a living from it, to… the delicate taste of a mango-orange rolling on my tongue.
I suppose happiness is not a constant – things ebb and flow and it is the way, but I think recognizing it when it’s there and holding space and appreciation for it when it happens, that is the key to it.
Not yet completed entry from Moleskine Journal
I have been listening to Rick Jarow’s The Ultimate Anti-Career Guide: The Inner Path to Finding Your Work in the World in which he says that in order to effect change, one must get angry enough. Perhaps I have not quite gotten there, but I feel it simmering just below my surface. I believe that the anger must be strong enough to overcome the fear. I am almost there and ready to plunge into my destiny.As a trained SoulCollage facilitator, I received the most recent newsletter in which founder Seena Frost commented on how it is her hope “…that SoulCollage has the capacity, through all of you, to awaken people to greater consciousness. I hope that by balancing chaotic energies within one’s personal soul, this soul will go on to help balance chaotic energies in families and communities and even administrations!” She goes on to say that she will be listening in to the Oprah/Eckhart Tolle Skype discussions, which debuted on Monday. I also listened to this talk after the fact and may well listen in to the rest. My feeling was that the last thing I needed to do was to read another book of this type. There are so many already out there, and all of them simply rehash the same concepts and present them in a different manner.
My thoughts on the awakening of the soul is this: there has to be an innate desire to do so, and if a person is not “ready” to receive the information, it will all seem like so much mumbo-jumbo. I believe that people are either born with the capacity for a higher consciousness or they are not, or that some life-altering event triggers something in the soul and makes them so. I think that the broad reach of many of these lines of thought is wonderful, and exposes people to new possibilities who would perhaps not have been exposed due to the cultural or social conditions they live in.
I find human nature disturbing. Not the various parts of ourselves, which through SoulCollage many (myself included) are able to reintegrate into themselves and honor, instead of disown. How much better each of us would be if we recognized within ourselves all of the different aspects of ourselves and acknowledged them, seen who was showing up and were able to greet them with familiarity and respect? Perhaps all of our parts would behave at a higher level then, not just acting out like ignored children yearning for attention, but as honored guests who know they can contribute something worthwhile.
But all of this work takes immense courage, the courage to delve into the messy middle of ourselves, and those who dwell on the surface of themselves… their lives… simply do not want to undertake the expedition. Some are busy being victims and victors, and are so exhausted from their daily battles that taking on the task of excavating themselves is simply overwhelming. Others simply go about with a sort of head static interrupting the soul’s signaling for expansion. They are the judges and jurors… the pigeon-holers… the ones who criticize everyone they come into contact with and yet are unable to recognize their own inadequacies, but will justify their behavior, good or otherwise, because they must in order to ignore the inner gnawing that occasionally manages to emerge… to tell them that something is off. These are but a few examples of many possible variations.
Perhaps there is a sense in all of us of a great, impending change that must occur soon, and because change is perceived as a bad thing and triggers the reflexes that reverts the brain into a rather primitive state, there is a scramble for upholding the status quo until the very last moment. It will get uglier before it gets better I think. And we are back to these wonderful tools that are available to those who are ready to make the shift… to go within… to look at the world from the inside of themselves before turning their eyes outward.