Saturday, the last day of this year. I sit on the living room couch, waiting for the kettle to boil for my second cup of coffee. As I look outside, I see a dense snowfall curtain of various sized flakes. There is a calm that settles upon the world when it snows. I don’t know whether it’s the ions in the air that provide the shift or whether it is the flight of the flakes of snow as they travel through the air that elicits a mesmerizing effect.
Gabriel is in the bathroom, showering and getting ready for work. The sound of rap music permeates the otherwise silent house. I wonder how this music, so foreign to anything that I or his father would have introduced him to, is his music of choice. Perhaps it is my lack of providing him with enough cultural influence that created the void that he chose to fill with it. Obviously Loreena McKennitt and Sarah McLaughlin, the two whose music I most often listened to at home while I was working on my art projects, would not become his music of choice. In any case, he is preparing to start work at 1PM and I will have the house to myself for the rest of the night since he plans to go out after work to ring in the new year.
I will spend the rest of the year, as I do most of my free time, alone. I’m not sure how to change this hermit-like existence that I lead. In some ways I wish that I had a more active social life, one in which I am surrounded by friends and family that care to include and embrace me into their fold, and another part of me finds the whole prospect tiring. The enforced interaction, while I warm to it once engaged in it, still requires an effort on my part that is oftentimes overcome by my lack of interest in the effort required to get to that place.
I wanted to do a reading for myself on this final day of the year, to get a glimpse of the overview of what the new year has to bring. Again, I wanted to engage with it with some fanfare, ritualize the process, but the same part of me that skirts the effort required for human interactions also determines that the fanfare is unnecessary. I have stripped my life down to bare bones, and it feels more real this way, devoid of pretense or posturing. The effort it takes to maintain that extra veil of being human often feels like a waste of time and energy. We eventually get to the nitty gritty and find that had we gotten there in the first place, so much of the side-effects of the delayed revelations could have been avoided altogether.
Life in this middle age of my life is proving even more dumbfounding to navigate. I can see how people come into a crisis of sorts at this point in time. Everything is the same on the surface yet so much is shifting. Mortality becomes obvious – people around us start to die, our idols and icons, friends, relatives – and we come to a place where we feel compelled to take stock of our own lives, if we haven’t already been forced to do so before. In whatever disarray it appears to be, I must make peace with where it is now, and more importantly find within myself the will to carry on and make new goals, goals that are in alignment to where I now find myself. The challenge is to find within myself the motivation to carry them out despite the proven failure or questionable success of those that I had previously set or envisioned. What is success, anyway? Does it matter in the end?
I am trying to determine what, if anything, will encourage me to take a step forward, in any direction, to determine what will ignite within me the impetus for a desire for movement of any kind. Perhaps it is the wrong time of year, for me, to be exploring this. Perhaps now I should simply sit with the influx of various possibilities, let them fill my belly and, as the French say, let the whole thing mijotte (which is so much nicer than its English equivalent, “stew”).
I was considering getting dressed and going to the store to pick up a few things, items for a meal that I wanted to prepare for dinner. Chicken paprikas sounded good, with elbow macaroni dolloped with sour cream (since making nokedli is just too much work for the likes of me). I have not made a Hungarian dish in so long that I wonder if I still know how to do it. Anyu has been gone for thirteen years and I’m pretty sure I haven’t made anything Hungarian in going on two decades, maybe longer. Perhaps today will be spent pouring over her cookbooks.
Somehow our common appreciation for food has united us past the grave, despite time passing, despite our differences, despite taking so very long to come to terms with all that had transpired during our shared time together, as a family, as individuals. So much of everything that she was, that we were, leaves me with the impression that I really didn’t know about anything, and what was divulged was too inadequate to really grasp the whole of a picture. It leaves me sitting here, on this winter day, watching the snowflakes fall outside my window, with a hunger to understand more and the certitude that it will be buried in a past that can never be recovered.
My curiosity for good (and different from what I was eating daily) food led me to seek out the food of many different cultures for the sake of variety, while her staunch disinterest in anything but traditional Hungarian cuisine and her proficiency and excellence at the execution of the meals she prepared instilled in me an understanding of how a great cook cooks. I can finally say, now in my midlife, that I am edging closer to culinary proficiency when I stand before ingredients and stove, when I have some inkling to the flavour that the recipe is intent on eliciting from the fusion of its parts and process.
More exciting still is that I now also am often inspired by an inkling in my palate that I seek to reproduce by virtue of bringing ingredients and flavours together in the execution of a meal. This atout (once again borrowed from the French language, a word that hints at a sort of innate skill or gift that puts one ahead of the game) was something my mother already possessed when I began observing her in the kitchen. She always insisted that I observe and taste, touch. I know what a dough is supposed to feel like when it’s ready to be rolled out for beigli and how it’s supposed to taste. The flavour of it lingers in my palate’s memory. I haven’t attempted to replicate it, but it sits there as part of my collective history.
The snowfall is heavier now, falling faster – as I observe it, it has the effect of the static hiss of the after hours station identification when television stations would go off the air for the night. This again reminds me of how things have changed in the span of my lifetime, for better in some ways, and not so much in others. It leaves me to ponder the dissonance between the experiences of each generation in relation to each other, and the inability to communicate them adequately in order to allow for cross-generational learning to occur.
I wonder whether humanity has evolved enough to wield the power that it does technologically, whether we are capable of making humane choices or whether our base nature will always lead us toward disaster. I’m sure people from every generation that have seen history unfold itself over a segment of time feel this way.. having seen what had come before and the choices that were being made on a global scale, were left to wonder whether the best or the worst of human nature will rise to the surface.
We forget too soon the horrors that we inflict upon each other, the unnecessary suffering that we allow others to endure at our hand or at the hands of others that we do nothing to allay. Daily I see preached at me that we must be the change that we desire to see in the world, that we are empowered to make the changes, and that our sovereignty has always been our own and doesn’t need to be wrested from another’s hands. In one breath I am told that love is the key to all interactions (when I know that this is not the case – sometimes steps must be taken to protect oneself, because not everyone is motivated by that precept; rather its opposite) while another suggests that I already have everything that I need within me to manifest all that I desire, and that I should wield that power, that I am a fatalist if I don’t perceive that I have the capacity to change my lot.
I don’t know what affects, or how it does, the scales in either direction. I believe that the universe comprises of a controlled chaos held in balance. I don’t think it picks favourites or that one is innately lucky or unlucky. I think that it’s perhaps a numbers game, a likelihood of outcome simply by how many times something happens within a pattern. Perhaps the pattern can somehow be affected by virtue of will and observation .. that much has been shown in the study of quantum physics at a macro scale, but to what purpose? May the odds fall ever in our favour?
As a young adult, I set out on this life to find love; I wanted so much to feel a part of something safe and something greater than myself. I found it time and again, in so many different varieties. It has taught me much about myself and others, but mostly that love, while it gives me a sense of belonging and comfort, and empowerment, even, is never a static force – it changes, unpredictably, and if I lean on it too much, I will always find that it will eventually cave in and I will be left to pick up the pieces of the thing that I have structured my safety around. There is no structure that can sustainably do that. The sooner I can free myself of this expectation of perpetuity, the sooner I can live as a free person. Perhaps even to love again in a much more powerful way than I have ever before.
In the meantime, I ponder my relevance – and everyone else’s. To what purpose have we come into being? Surely our journeys must be as unique as each of the snowflakes that fall outside my window, and only in retrospect will the whole of the picture become clear.. or perhaps there really isn’t any other purpose than to have the experience of living this life, encased in flesh, within the limitations of this third dimension. Perhaps its purpose is for us to breach its limitations and to gain mastery over it, or to concede that chaos reigns, despite our best efforts. Perhaps purpose, too, is as individual to each of us as the snowflakes are.
I’m off to draw some cards, and then to the store to pick up some chicken and sour cream.
May the odds fall ever in your favour.
May your journey take you exactly where you have determined that it must go, ever with your highest good in mind.
May the journey be as gentle as it can be, and may love surround and embolden you so that you can shine your brightest throughout it all.