the latest, unfiltered…

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I’ve been doing nothing. I’m not feeling 100%, like I’m fighting off a cold bug, but it’s not too bad. I paid some bills, rent… bought a bit of food. I need to go to Money Mart to load some more money on my prepaid credit card (because I responsibly don’t own one that gives me any credit) so I can pay the overdue part of my cable bill. It’s not raining now so I might walk there. I could use the exercise. I have mountains of laundry and some dishes to tend to… and the eternal cycle of cleaning surfaces which will shortly become unclean again.

I’m still in stasis. I like it here and I hate it here. I watch movies (and am moved to tears). I write a bit. I read a few articles (because I can’t seem to keep focused for long enough to read a book). I imagine what it would be like to be in a nice relationship with someone. I struggle with the visual.

I rewrote my profile and wrote to two people on OKC (who haven’t and probably won’t reply). I’m thinking of pulling the plug on all of my dating site profiles. Somehow that seems like it will be liberating.

I need to take a shower (because I haven’t in several days) and go out into the world. I dread it until I’m actually out there, and then usually determine that it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

I’ve reviewed more divorce paperwork. I need to get them notarized again.

I’m soul tired. I’m tired of myself. I’m not sure what will enliven me. I keep trying to find it.

Yesterday I watched Shadow of the Sun (a nice little film with Joshua Jackson) and The Book of Daniel, about (what else?) the book of Daniel and thought it would be nice to have such a strong faith and belief in my god that I would walk into a lions’ den and, with some level of certainty but always with complete surrender, know that I would be protected.

If I was asked to profess my faith (in anything) I’d have nothing to say. I used to. I used to believe in something, and sometimes I wish I could find my way back to that place, but I can’t seem to.

I can’t imagine embracing a god that is in need of worship, one who summarily demands it, nor one who is in need of proving their mightiness through gifts or punishment – it smacks of misplaced machismo. It connotes a lack of self-confidence, and all too much humanness. And if the gods are fallible, then what hope have we?

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