needs

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A friend of mine recently mentioned that he and his partner argue all the time. I asked “about what?” and got “anything… everything… literally” as a reply.

But… why?

Seriously. What the hell is there to fight about?

• Unmet expectations and needs?
• Divergent viewpoints and thought processes?
• Poorly synched principles and values?

At their core, arguments are never about the bone that’s being picked; they are about the underlying story:

• the feeling of not being heard, cared for, respected;
• the feeling that our trust in another has been misplaced or violated;
• feeling that the other is unsupportive and not engaged;
• it’s about not communicating the things that are going on inside of us in a way that the other can understand and perhaps find a way to support or appease.

It’s never about scrubbing out the toilet bowl or taking out the garbage. It’s about the why… why the toilet wasn’t scrubbed, and what it means in the context of the two individuals who find themselves in conflict with each other.

In the end it’s about communication, or the lack of it… or rather not having the skills (and at some point, the will/patience) to decode each other’s emotional expressions and landscape.

And about:

• Unmet expectations and needs;
• Divergent viewpoints and thought processes;
• Poorly synched principles and values.

Living this|close to another human being is messy. It takes a lot of patience and forgiveness, because no matter how hard we try not to have them (or to stuff them), we all have quirky human schticks and they aren’t going away any time soon.

If we can’t find the humour in them, and love each other in spite of them, all is lost.

As for me? I question everything. Because everything must be scrutinized and dissected so that I can understand (myself, as well as other). I will wear you down, and will wear you out. Beware.

Which is why I am single. And I do have a sense of humour, in case you were wondering.

And now to bake some more cookies (provided the electricity stays on).

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One thought on “needs

  1. Teeny Bikini

    “At their core, arguments are never about the bone that’s being picked…” This is so very true. I always try to ask myself when I am pissed – what is this all about? It definitely helps me keep myself in check. Thanks!

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