Monthly Archives: March 2010

voices… I hear voices…

In my head the voice is waiting…
waiting for me, to set it free
I locked it inside my imagination
but I’m the one who’s got the combination
Some people didn’t like what the voice did say
so I took the voice and I locked it away
I got the key, I got the key
[Russ Ballard, Voices]

Remember that song?

Oh… how do I not get in touch with my own voice? Though, to be truthful, there are many voices… each important aspects of who I am as a whole, and yet each quite individual. Getting them to all sit down at the thanksgiving dinner table together and not get into an argument about who should be partaking of the white meat or the dark meat, or ANY meat for that matter, is quite a feat at times, but they manage, somehow to get to the end and all agree that the pumpkin pie with whipping cream is just the *best* thing since sliced bread.

All funning aside… finding your voice — your authentic voice — takes some work… courage… compassion toward Self… because there are parts of ourselves that we would rather not acknowledge (forget about inviting them to thanksgiving dinner). Yet each part is an important aspect of the whole of who we are, and by understanding the individual roles each part plays in who we are is how we can become integrated… always noting that the parts change as we move through life… Shakespeare’s “all the world’s a stage” comes to mind, and our collective parts evolve as our story shifts and changes.

Of course the question has more to do with voicing WHO we are to the rest of the world. In essence, every action we take, word we share, motion we make during our daily lives is sharing our essence… how we choose to show our different parts is up to each of us. And, I reserve the right to change my mind as I’m going along by the seat of my pants. ūüôā

Actually, I wanted to add to this. I was speaking from the place that I am now, and not of the journey that led me to here.

The journey of finding my voice has been a long -sometimes joyous, sometimes filled with agony- road. It is not that I didn’t have a voice… any one of the thanksgiving feast attendees have certainly been voices throughout this journey.

Sometimes my voice has felt like a canary in a coal mine, wildly chirping out a last song, before it ran out of air and dropped to the bottom of the cage, lifeless.

Sometimes the voice was hurtful, lacerating everyone within its vicinity, including myself. Bloodied and spent, I’d start over, requesting forgiveness from myself and others… at times it was granted and other times not. Still… letting go and moving on is the important thing.

Sometimes the voice is filled with wisdom, and nurtures and awakens my Self and those of others around me.

Sometimes it is but a whisper, wishing on a star, or telling its dreams to a piece of parchment with a quill and dragon’s blood.

These are some of my many voices, that have come and have gone… we each of us have many voices, and they all have a desire to be heard… they merely need to find the right ears and open hearts.

Blessings my lovelies… to each and every part of you…


on beauty…

I thought I’d share this most recent life experience I’ve had with you all. ¬†It has to do with self-image, and how society feeds into what we ultimately view as ‘beautiful.’

In January I started dating this fellow. ¬†Now, I’m far from young (46) and recently single, so after being with the same person for almost two decades, there are a lot of things I simply didn’t think much of anymore, including my appearance. ¬†On our wedding day I was beautiful. ¬†Slim and fit… radiant. ¬†Within half a year I packed on forty pounds, and after getting pregnant put on about fifty more. ¬†I lost a mere ten or so pounds after Gabriel’s birth, and it took several years to even get close to the 200lb mark. ¬†I was self-conscious about how I looked, but my husband found me to be sexy anyway, despite the fact that we were slowly and methodically falling out of love.

So, last June we separated for good, after being together for 16+ years. ¬†I’m still somewhere between 40-50 pounds overweight, depending upon whose “ideal” scale you go by, but I’ve come to love my body despite its imperfections. ¬†I look womanly, with buxom breasts and a belly that one can readily observe as having housed a (relatively large) child. ¬†It took me a long time to feel comfortable with the way I look… the way I look today (which will change going forward… as I age… as I become more active… as I change my dietary habits… as I become more settled and happy in my “new” life).

Recently I began thinking of dating again, wondering how that would go, never having liked doing it in the first place. ¬†But how else was I to meet anyone? ¬†So after the first of the year, my ex-husband urged me to join an online dating community. ¬†Soon enough I connected with someone… we met… and we began to date. ¬†It appeared that we were compatible on many levels but immediately seemed to have some problems jiving physically. ¬†He had problems maintaining an erection, which he attributed to being nervous. ¬†Fine… that was understandable.

Eventually, after many more visits, and varied degrees of success on the physical front, and continued issues on others as well, we finally decided to take a hiatus from each other. ¬†During this time we exchanged several emails, speaking to our wants and hopes and what not… and at some point he shared that he found my “breasts” and my “cheeks” appealing, and would perhaps “learn to love the rest of” me as well over time… that perhaps sketching me (because he is an artist) might help.

I was floored. ¬†How could you cherry pick parts out of an individual? ¬†The rest of me is a package deal… I don’t come with snap on parts, and the parts I have are not interchangeable. ¬†I kept thinking “I am more than the sum of my parts.”

Let me move forward with this thought… I think the human body is beautiful. ¬†I am an artist too, and I love to render the human form the best. ¬†It’s wonderful in its diversity. ¬†Tall… skinny… short… plump… muscled… sinewy… soft… voluptuous… all shades of flesh tones… freckled or smooth… hairy or not… it amazes me. ¬†Not just the container, so to speak, but how each spirit within its confines emotes. ¬†It is what makes each of us unique… and beautiful, despite perhaps not being “conventionally” beautiful.

Whose convention, anyway? ¬†The ideal for what is considered beautiful has changed every couple of decades or so, although the skinny coat hanger look (which leads to so many eating disorders in our young women today) has been around since the late sixties, thanks to the fashion industry. ¬†When I studied art history, I fell in love with the impressionists, particularly Renoir. ¬†I was definitely a Renoir “gal”… round and red-cheeked, soft and buxom. I thought I was born in the wrong era, at a time when I had to somehow cultivate a six-pack (and we aren’t talking beer). Even when I was “in my youth” I had trouble doing that. Compound that with a busy lifestyle, not much of an inkling for physical activity, parenting, etc., and that is just not a reasonable goal to shoot for at this point in my life.

Still, though… I think that I am sexy, and I love having an intimate relationship with someone. ¬†It’s fulfilling on many levels, and I have never had to work at it… ever. ¬†It’s something that comes naturally. ¬†So when I’m made to feel “less than” I am by someone who is supposed to be raising me up to a higher potential, perhaps it’s just time to get off the bus and wait for the next one.

on worrying…

I’d like to think that I am mature enough to know that expending energy on worrying is a self-defeating activity, that I am evolved enough as a human being to know that indulging in the activity of “worrying” will result in nothing positive… may in fact result in attracting more negative energy toward me… as in the self-realizing prophesy, perpetuating exactly what it is that I am worried about… but sometimes I am just human and can do nothing more than be hostage to my emotions… and sketch about it. ¬†Art does indeed Save…

Port Moody spring…

Spring has sprung… apart from tweaking on a friend’s website¬†today, I finally did get out of the house for a walk around the inlet, toting my camera. Click on the image above and you’ll be taken to a photo gallery of the photos I took today. It’s the first time I’ve been down that way and it’s really beautiful. There’s a fish hatchery over there that is currently dormant, so to speak, but I’m sure they will be spawning when the time comes, and it will be quite cool to go check out. The neighbourhood is in bloom too… witness the beautiful white magnolias (smelling faintly sweet, to boot) and the burgeoning leaves on the trees.