Well… I’ve been working like a sonofabitch at the office these last few weeks, so I’m feeling rather burnt out, but I’ve been feeling bummed lately…
You know, most people have someone in their lives that they can open up to. Someone who will love them for who they are, regardless of their flaws. There is a sense of comfort in knowing that someone really gives a damn about you, and it’s tangible… in their touch, their tone of voice, or how they look at you.
Lately I’ve been hearing comments about my outward appearance–by strangers–at the mailboxes by some college students passing by, or a couple sitting the next booth over at a restaurant. Not nice stuff like “oh look how pretty she is in those khakis” or “love those curls” … more like “…looks like a man with long hair” or “…shamu…” Let’s face it, I’m about fifty pounds over weight, but have had absolutely no motivation to lose any of it… that would require more work, and I’m already f’n tired. Besides… I love cheese, wine, crusty white bread, cream and chocolate… and any other consumable food. Not in huge quantities, mind, but in variety.
I’ve spent so much time working and caring for my innerself that my outerself is in somewhat a shambles. When I look in the mirror sometimes I don’t like what I see so much, especially around my middle… my belly is bigger than I’d like, but mostly I think that I’ve weathered the storm fairly well, and believe me, there have been storms. Plenty of them.
I’m in a strange place in my life. More behind me that ahead of me, and not anywhere near where I would like to be, or thought I’d be. Other than from my 11-yr old son, I’ve not heard the words “I love you” by any other human since my mom has passed away, and yet I am married and have been for almost fifteen years. Same thing goes for “you’re beautiful”… and honestly, I think my son is biased, yes? Which leads me to my next train of thought… no matter how confident you are within yourself, positive reinforcement is always welcome, and when someone close to you doesn’t see your (inner or outer) beauty, or doesn’t share how they feel apart from commenting on your sexual prowess, then there is definitely a sense of uncertainty that starts creeping in.
But then again… what does it matter? What is the point of all of this, anyway? I often think that I’ve been blessed with these circumstances so that I can overcome fundamental flaws within myself… my humanity. Getting away from my god-source by being distracted with vanity… or the need for tenderness or to be acknowledged… or loved. So all of that is stripped away from me, and I am left with… me. And sometimes… it’s a lonely place to be.