My angel


This is Gabriel with his two birdie friends… Sky and Cloud. They’re sweet little birdies. This morning they were protesting about the clanking I was doing as I unloaded the dishwasher. Then I sat down to watch some TV and they hopped over to the lower rung by the door and were chirping at me in such a way as to indicate that they wanted out, now! and then proceeded to promptly poop on me. If shit is lucky, as my mom used to proclaim (though I fail to see how this would be the case), then I ought to go out and buy some lotto tickets, for I will surely win the big one this week. First I’ll take something for this blazing headache, though.

I got a report from the Grands last night, that Gabriel and Grandma were making busy in the kitchen, baking some mix cake. He loves to cook with me, he says, and so his great hopes for this weekend were to cook with Grandma. Grandma cooks about as much as I do, so it takes some extra effort to get her into the kitchen, but she made it, and I’m sure Gabriel will come home with happy stories tonight.

I have errands to run today, and some work around the house. I have to marble some paper, too… and see if I can assemble more of those books. Make a list of the folks who want the book and those who don’t. Pick up a tool so I can produce nice, even (and “fancy”) cuts into the watercolor paper I want to use for my next project (stay tuned). I need to finish compiling the worksheet for the accountant for the 2004 taxes and put together the 2005 expense sheet as well. The floors need sweeping and mopping. The carpets need vaccuuming. The dishwasher needs to be reloaded. Laundry needs to be done. I haven’t dusted in so long that I could peel it off of surfaces and use it as felt. Then there’s the matter of the sinks and toilets and tub. I plan big and accomplish small, but I suppose it’s better than not accomplishing anything.

So I’ll be off to Trader Joe’s in a bit, after I’ve cleaned out the fridge and assessed what we need for the week. This is where I ought to be menu planning, but instead I go to the store with the notion that I need to pick up enough “stuff” to make five or six meals, whatever that means, and end up a) spending too much money, and b) throwing most of the stuff out two weeks later, because we went to the Indian place one night and got pizza the next, ate at Claim Jumper the one after and … well, you get the picture. So I’m doubly broke, because I spent too much money on groceries I never cooked and then went out to eat on top of that. If energy wasn’t a factor, I’m sure I’d be cooking up a storm and the place would be spotless. It’s not just energy… it’s the lack of motivation. Who woke up and made *me* maid?

I wonder how I used to be able to do all of this? And commute 130 miles a day… and put it a good day’s work… and nurse (or pump) several times each day… and… … dang… small wonder I burnt out. And I did. BIG flame out. That was something to behold. And I had to deal with it on my own, because hubby was very much like a deer in headlights… “What do I do with a crazy person?” was his first (and last) thought… not “Geez, how can I help my over-extended wife?” Kick me when I’d down… I can handle it… and I did.

Thank goodness I had my little angel… I pulled through because somehow in the murk I was able to find the will to be there for him… nothing more, nothing less.

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One thought on “My angel

  1. Believer

    Hi Adriane,

    Sounds like you’re thoroughly overwhelmed. I know how that leads to depression. Try flylady.com and see if it helps, you have nothing to lose. I started out very small with the tasks and it’s made a big difference in my house and, more importantly, in how I feel. It’s nice to have a cheering section and to know how many others are struggling and succeeding. I’m in a wheel chair and if it helps me it can help anyone. Everything you said in today’s post is what’s addressed by FlyLady.

    BTW–I love the ATC!
    Barbara from reach-dabble-shine

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